Dear Eric: My brother has children with whom I was extremely close when he and his wife got divorced in 1989. He never supported his kids, never paid child support and drank away everyone’s money, including $20,000 in rehabs that my parents paid for.
My brother asked me if he could borrow $5,000, and he would start making payments to pay it back. For the sake of my niece and nephew, I loaned him the money. Unbeknownst to me, my brother was borrowing money from everyone in the family. Soon, everyone in the family found out what he was doing and cut him off.
Fast-forward to three years ago (I’m now 56, and my brother is 72), he reached out to me again. Not to borrow or pay back money, but to reconnect. Through our limited conversations, he keeps asking for my address or an invite to my house. I never extended the offer, and I did not give him my address.
Brother recently told me he has been sending $200 to $300 every couple of weeks to my niece, now 40, a divorced mother of one son. He is also putting several hundred dollars a month in a trust for her 9-year-old son. I told him, on several occasions, since he has money to spare, he can send me money each month to pay me back. He laughs and blows me off.
I’m extremely ticked off that he disregards the sacrifice I made.
I blew off my brother and the $5,000 years ago and I don’t care to rekindle relationships that have been dead for 35 years. What I want is the $5,000 repaid. I have two kids in college and I’m partially retired. I’m not charging him interest for the past 35 years, but I should. I don’t think I can be blunter with my request, nor because of the time that has passed, would I have legal recourse.
If you have suggestions, I would appreciate the help.
— 5k Would Make My Day
Dear 5k: Wowee zowee do I hate what I’m about to write … you have to let it go. The $5,000 has grown so large in your mind, fueled by the compounding interest of outrage on your part and unreliable behavior on your brothers, that it’s nearly impossible to pay down.
Nearly. Yes, he should pay you $5,000. Let’s be clear. Ideally, he would pay you the astronomical sum of $5,000 plus 35 years of interest, but that’s not going to happen. He has, inappropriately, laughed off your request, which is par for the course considering the way he preyed on your family’s sympathies years ago. It hurts to be used like this and it’s not fair. But this is who your brother is.
You blew the money off years ago, but these emotions are coming up now because there was probably a part of you that thought by lending the money, you were helping your brother become a better person. It’s possible that that’s still true. He’s around today to give money to his daughter and grandson, and you’re partially to thank for that. I know you want $5,000 but what you really need is an apology (and $5,000). It doesn’t sound like your brother has the emotional ability to provide either right now. He’s poorer for it, but by letting it go, you keep him from robbing you of your contentment.
Dear Eric: My younger estranged brother recently contacted me to say he has stage 4 colon cancer and is on hospice. He hasn’t spoken to our mother in years and wants to talk to her and tell her about the cancer. Our mother is not well, and I feel this will kill her, literally. I am unsure of what to do. I think my mother would be full of guilt and hopelessness. Please advise.
— Family Dilemma
Dear Family: I know this is a terrible situation and I suspect you feel caught in the middle with no good choices and the responsibility to somehow make it all right for everyone. However, if your mother has the mental capacity to consent to speak with your brother, please don’t block them both from the opportunity. There will be pain; it will be hard. And your mother may experience guilt and hopelessness, as you fear. But I can’t stop thinking about the intensity of emotions she might feel if she never gets to have another conversation with your brother.
So much of this is beyond your control, and also beyond the control of anyone else in the situation. We’re rarely given perfect options. Consider that right now the best option may be to be there for your mother as she goes through this, and also to seek out support for yourself, because your emotional experience matters, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
