Dear Eric: I am a college student in my mid-20s, and I keep losing friends. Some friends have ghosted me, some got frustrated with me when I tried to figure out why they ended a friendship with me, and some have said that I talk about my problems too much, but they still want to be friends. One friend just lost their mom and told me what happened but before that, they had not been responding. I feel some friends are genuinely setting boundaries, but I feel some are using that as an excuse to not speak to me or be around me as much. I am going to counseling regularly and I am trying to practice self-compassion. What should I do?
— Fractured Friendships
Dear Friendships: Practicing self-compassion is absolutely the first and best thing to do here. Friendship can be tricky for reasons that are often beyond our control. And college is a busy, complicated time during which people are going through a lot of life transitions. So, grant yourself some grace. Not everyone you meet in college is going to be a great friendship fit. And no one deserves to be ghosted. While there may be some things you can change, this isn’t something that’s all your fault; you should be treated better.
Try to take some lessons from these friendships — the good and the bad parts. Think about what you value in friendships and what you bring to a relationship; use those as goals for future connections. Maybe the friends you have now aren’t in the right space to be supportive in the way that you need; maybe you’re someone who wants to talk more openly about boundaries and expectations. You’re allowed to ask for what you need. As you make new friends, be on the lookout for the qualities that you want and the people who bring out the best in you. You might even roleplay some conversations with your counselor to test out your communication and to make sure that what you’re asking for is really what you want.
Dear Eric: I’m a woman in my late 40s, juggling a multitude of responsibilities that have left me feeling drained and overwhelmed. At work, I manage several teams and am constantly making high-pressure decisions. At home, I’m a dedicated mother to a tweenager; her father (my ex-husband) is rather uninvolved, placing a significant burden on me for our daughter’s needs. My current husband, while supportive, is embroiled in a contentious custody battle, turning to me for emotional grounding. My elderly parents, while healthy, depend on daily check-ins, which can be emotionally taxing. Even our pets seem to rely on me for comfort.
The constant demand for emotional labor has left me with decision fatigue, irritability, headaches and frequent crying spells.
I’m searching for effective strategies to replenish my energy and find moments of peace. I’m grateful for the support of my husband and I am on anti-anxiety medication through a psychiatrist that I like. I also see an executive coach monthly. I have looked for a therapist for years, but I haven’t found one who resonates with me. How can I navigate this complex web of responsibilities and reclaim my own well-being? Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
— Emotionally Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: I write this with the utmost compassion: you are going through it. I’m sorry and I hear you and I’m taking a deep sympathetic breath in hopes that you’re somewhere right now also pausing, breathing in and exhaling.
Even though you’re getting some support, there’s something so crucial in just acknowledging — to yourself, to you psychiatrist, to a friend, to the world — this is too much for right now. It doesn’t make you weak, nor does it make you a failure. Sometimes it can just be a release valve — a way of describing the mountain you’re trying to climb.
I want to strongly suggest a mindfulness and meditation practice. Apps like Calm and books like “Mindfulness” by Dr. Danny Penman and “Meditations for Mortals” by Oliver Burkeman offer digestible entry points for reclaiming even five minutes a day. A practice will do two things — at least. First, it’s a message to yourself that this time is important to you and, by extension, you’re important to you. With your energies being pulled in so many different directions, it can be easy to have little left for yourself. Secondly, a practice will help quiet the mind not only while you’re meditating, but in the hours afterward. This better sets you up to navigate around and through the daily stressors.
Please keep talking to friends and loved ones about what’s going on. It’s not a burden to check in, even if others can’t always help. This is a lot, but it’s not forever.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
