Dear Eric: My brother and I have been estranged for decades, due to consecutive “family incidents” that accumulated, unresolved, over years.
A little over a year ago, I learned through a mutual friend that my brother has an incurable cancer — the kind that is hereditary and would place me at a significantly elevated risk. I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor, which took four months. And then testing that also took months to come back.
During this time, I was anxiously awaiting results knowing that the cancer could be silently developing in me. I was also upset that my brother and his family did not share this news with me so that I could undergo testing ASAP.
I heard his condition was worsening so I swallowed my pride and resentment and knocked on his door to visit him. He calmly said he was “not interested” and that was that. I feel torn should he pass; do I show up and pay respects knowing his family chose not to give me a “heads up” on the disease I may have? (I tested negative but need annual testing for the rest of my life.) I’m not sure I’d be welcome. I also assume that, unless my brother reaches out to me, he wouldn’t want me to attend his funeral service. What to do?
— Estranged Brother
Dear Brother: The stress that you felt waiting for medical answers was awful; I’m sorry you went through it. It was compounded by a feeling of betrayal — how could they not let you know? Now that you have answers, try to disentangle the two threads. Because they’re separate stories.
While it would have been helpful for your brother to let you know about his diagnosis, he didn’t actually cause the stress. He didn’t create the genetic predisposition, nor did he tie up your doctor’s office for four months. I know you know this, but it’s easy for all of us to look for a place to put our anxiety. When we feel helpless, as medical uncertainties often make us feel, we want someone or something to blame. Try to release him from that blame.
If you can, you’ll have a clearer view of what you’ll need at his passing.
This also relates to what you’re doing with your grief now — because you’re already feeling it — and what you’re going to need to help you mark the complicated relationship and the emotions that arise later. Paying your respects may look like having a private commemoration on your own or with your wife. It may look like taking a moment in nature to wish him well on his journey and to forgive the things you couldn’t forgive each other for in life.
You also may find that you want to go to his funeral when the time comes, but you should be clear with yourself about who you’re there for. If you’re going to provide comfort to people who don’t want comfort from you, you’ll feel just as unresolved afterward.
Dear Eric: My sister lives out of state. When she calls, I become very overwhelmed. Conversations are one-sided, all about her and her family. She complains a lot about her husband (whom I am beginning to feel sorry for). He does nothing right and she constantly complains about his family, too.
I find myself making up excuses to get off the phone with her after 10 to 15 minutes. I try to listen or change the subject, but I find myself becoming so frustrated and overwhelmed. She has some medical conditions going on currently that make me avoid talking with her about this. Any advice on what I can do?
— Sinking Ship
Dear Ship: Try to take the reins on the schedule of your calls. Tell her you’re setting an appointment, with a time limit, for when you’ll call her. Before you call, get in a calm headspace and make yourself comfortable. You can even write out a list of things you want to talk about. Right now, it sounds like she’s using you as a place to dump all of her frustrations, so setting parameters will help protect you.
One of the things you should talk about is, well … what you feel comfortable talking about. If you don’t want to hear complaints, you can tell her. “I know you’ve got a lot going on and you need to vent, but it’s overwhelming me. If you want to talk about solutions, I can do that, but if not, can we change the subject?”
She may not have anything else on her mind right now, which is understandable. But you’ll be a better listening ear if you’re able to define what your boundaries are and how you can best show up. Supporting our loved ones doesn’t always mean hearing every negative thought.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
