Dear Eric: I am in my 70s so I should know better. Almost two years ago I had to put my 13-year-old Yorkshire Terrier named Shorty to sleep. This broke my heart.
Within a couple of months, I decided to get another dog, this time a Gold Dust Yorkie named Buddy. I realize now this was such a big mistake. I should not have done this so quickly.
What I truly feel guilty about is I’m not even sure if I care for Buddy. I just can’t seem to get Shorty out of my mind. At the time we did everything we could for him but now I think we could have done more.
Can you please give me some advice on how I can get past this? I am really driving myself crazy with this thinking. But most of all I am not being fair to Buddy.
— Missing Shorty
Dear Missing: I’m so sorry for the loss of Shorty. Grief after a pet’s death can be as complicated and long-lasting as the grief you feel after losing any other loved one. So, please grant yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can.
And I can see why getting Buddy seemed like a logical and healthy coping strategy. For many people, getting another pet is exactly the right thing to do.
From your letter, it doesn’t sound like you’re neglecting Buddy, and I hope that’s the case. What it seems like, instead, is that you’re having trouble feeling as close to Buddy as you want. Try to remember that your relationship with Shorty developed over 13 years. As with any other relationship, nothing is going to replace it. Your heart will heal but you’ll always hold Shorty in it, just under the scar.
This doesn’t mean there’s no room for Buddy. But the relationship is going to feel different. That is OK. Give Buddy the love and care that you can and try not to chastise yourself for not feeling the way you want to feel. Dogs are smart, especially around emotions. It’s possible that Buddy knows, in some way, that you’re navigating grief. Maybe what you both need right now is to walk through it together.
Dear Eric: I have a dear friend that I have known for 12 years.
I have watched her grow into a beautiful, smart and talented young woman. Our views on relationships, politics and lifestyle (love of travel, no kids etc.) are in complete alignment.
I now realize that I am really in love with my best friend.
A few years ago, I did ask if she ever considered that our relationship could be something more than a friendship and was met with a “no.” I know people can change and so can their feelings, like mine have. The old saying “persistence pays off” ruminates in my mind.
Should I take that leap of faith and declare my love for her and risk losing the friendship we built, or should I accept the fact that, after 12 years, if she was interested in me something would have happened by now? Should I just read the writing on the wall and accept that we will just be friends and try to find someone else? My eternal optimism and hope keep me clinging to these feelings and I wonder if I am just setting myself up for heartbreak.
— Friend Zone
Dear Friend: It’s really hard to have romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate them. But, at the risk of sounding overly cheery, it’s a privilege to be close to someone whom you admire enough to love, platonically or romantically.
Part of that love needs to be having a respect for what she’s asking for and what she wants. Take her no for what it is. Movies and some relationship gurus suggest that people just don’t know themselves and they need a potential lovemate to show them the light. In reality, that’s not so true. She knows herself, just as you know yourself. Moreover, would you really want to start a relationship with someone who didn’t know themselves? That feels unsafe.
I know this is hard, but it’s helpful to focus on your own agency here. The friend zone trope suggests that the lovelorn are trapped in the cold shadow of platonic feelings. But friendships, and love relationships, are two-way streets, not zones. You have a lot of love on your side of the street, but you’re also in control of what you bring into the middle of said street. Sometimes feelings are mismatched. That happens. But at other times love for a person you’ve known as long as you’ve known your friend, can reveal itself to be complex and multi-faceted. I encourage you to lean into that and value the special relationship you already have.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
