Dear Eric: Several months ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He shared significant things with her he didn’t share with me, sought her advice on how to hide his alcohol abuse from me and talked to her about our arguments, while she fueled the negativity against me and trashed me. He also discussed intimate details of our sex life with her which I never consented to being shared.
After several painful conversations about it, we recommitted to our relationship. I asked him to end contact with her. Not out of control, but because I needed space to rebuild trust and because I genuinely doubted her intentions. He agreed, telling me he cared more for me than for her.
Months later, our marriage seemed better than ever to me until I discovered he hadn’t ended the relationship at all. In fact, he was working hard to hide it. When I confronted him, he said he never believed their connection was inappropriate and that asking him to end it crossed a line. Something he had never said before.
I’m devastated. His lies have shattered my trust, and I feel I see a pattern of deception that is making me doubt our whole relationship. Plus, I can’t shake the fear that if this relationship with his coworker wasn’t physical before, it might be now.
But then part of me wonders if I truly was wrong to ask him to end the relationship in the first place and if he’s right that I’m blowing a simple relationship out of proportion just because she’s a woman.
— Fool Me Twice
Dear Fool Me Twice: I don’t think this is about gender. And I don’t think you’re wrong. Your husband is shifting the goalposts, which isn’t fair and makes it almost impossible to build back a healthy relationship. I’m sorry that this is happening.
Every relationship is unique; every couple is constantly defining and redefining what works for them. It’s more than reasonable to expect that one’s husband wouldn’t share intimate details with a coworker, especially if he’s hiding them from you. And it’s more than reasonable to ask for it to stop, which you did. And he agreed. He’s allowed to change his mind or revisit the conversation, but it’s his responsibility to speak first and then act.
By not doing so, he created the problem, not you.
At this point, it’s important to keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. If you suspect they’re intimate, please get yourself tested. Don’t be afraid to talk with friends or loved ones about what you’re experiencing. His dishonesty creates a distorted reality and what you need is clarity right now, about him, about the relationship, about your future which very well may be better without him.
Dear Eric: Close friends frequently keep their first grandchild. Now, whenever we spend time with them, it’s impossible to carry on any kind of conversation.
Being besotted is understandable, but this couple continually directs the four-year-old to perform for us, i.e., “Say your ABCs,” “sing a song,” “what color is this?” “tell our guests where you went yesterday.”
The child is not allowed to think or speak for himself. My concern is the effect this has on the child. It can’t be healthy.
— Concerned Friends
Dear Friends: It seems like there are a couple of aspects to this question. Some are within your control, others, not so much. Is it possible that your friends are trying to entertain you by prompting their grandchild to tell you these things? Four-year-olds can be chatty and wonderfully active, but — depending on the child — they may not always be the consistent conversation partners for adults. Your friends could be worried that you’re bored, or even a little bit sensitive about the ways that visits have changed since their grandchild came along. Grant them a little grace with this part. The child won’t be four forever; eventually he’ll have more things to say or other things to do while you and the other adults entertain yourselves.
You don’t have to worry about the child’s ability to think for himself. He’s being engaged by adults and asked questions — these are good things and helpful for his development. Respectfully, I wonder if some of this concern is rooted in your frustration about not being able to have an adult conversation with your friends. It must be hard to adjust to the new shape of this relationship, especially in the face of first grandchild-enthusiasm. Again, there are parts of this phase that aren’t going to last forever. But I’d encourage you to start to see the joy and delight that your friends have. If you make a point to look for that and focus on it, it may help to shift the way these visits feel.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
