Dear Eric: My sister-in-law made quilts for two of her nieces. They unwrapped them to oohs, aahs and applause on Christmas Eve at my house. My daughter did not receive a gift. I sent a polite email to sister-in-law explaining that my daughter was disappointed. I received a snail mail reply that included a gift certificate and a note. Sister-in-law wrote that I was a bully and stated that she would never set foot in my house again. She hasn’t for several years. What should I do?
– Stitchy Situation
Dear Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.
The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.
Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation – you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.
If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.
Dear Eric: I bought a used bike from a social media “market” site that was advertised “like new.” I went to the seller’s home nearby to test ride the bike. The tires were flat, so my partner put air in them so I could ride the bike around the block. It shifted stiffly but I attributed that to the fact it had not been ridden in a while.
I paid the asking price. The next day, my partner was changing the front tube and saw that the primary middle derailleur hub had about three sheared-through and bent teeth.
The damage was extreme and would cost as much to replace as I paid for the bike.
I texted the seller, showed them pictures, and they apologized and said they would not have advertised it as new if they had seen the damage. I asked, how would they have advertised it then, and how much would they have charged if they knew? They said that was not relevant. I said if our places were switched, I would be offering the buyer some money back.
I told the seller I found them to be unethical. That was the end of the conversation, and they offered nothing.
Should the seller have admitted their error and refunded some of the purchase price (the price I paid was set for a “like new” bike), as an ethical matter? I am aware that as a legal matter I might not have a leg to stand on under a “buyer beware” approach.
– Left Holding the Bag
Dear Bag: We can all agree the bike was not “like new.” While many people have great experiences buying things online, we need to have a national conversation about the umbrella term “like new.” Personally, I think the issue is the word “like.” Could mean anything! I’m “like” a billionaire. See how easy that was to say? And how false.
In your case, I suspect the seller was aware that they were stretching the meaning of “like new” and you were correct to point out their unethical behavior. Or maybe we could say what they did was “like ethical.”
When buying things online, it’s best practice to use a site that has some sort of moderation or buyer protection that would allow the site to refund you the money and return the product if you’re not happy. These kinds of protections also make it easier for the sites to spot and block sellers who aren’t on the up and up. Now, this isn’t always possible and there are plenty of “actually ethical” people out there with “actually like new” goods to sell. But, as you noted, buyers should be cautious and take all the time they need to inspect a product before paying.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
