Dear Eric: My mother has been a widow for quite a few years now. Her days consist of watching TV. We took her on vacation with us once, but she wanted to just stay in the hotel and watch TV. She rarely sees friends or goes out. My siblings and I live about an hour away, have full-time jobs, spouses and children so going over to see her a few times a month is all we can take on at this time.
We have suggested she might be depressed or lonely, but she scoffs, saying she likes spending time alone. We have suggested activities with a senior center, her church, etc., and she declines, stating she doesn’t want to hang around old people. The last time we mentioned it she got really angry so we said we wouldn’t speak of it again. But I’m worried about her mental health. Her world has gotten so incredibly small.
Maybe I want to feel off the hook somehow because I do feel guilty that I can’t entertain her more. At some point, do I have to accept that this is the life she has chosen for herself?
— Unchanged Channel
Dear Channel: Accept that this is what she wants to do at this point in her life but keep an eye on her without pressure. Per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, older adults are at greater risk for depression, which can show up as loss of interest in pleasurable hobbies. Be on the lookout for other symptoms of depression. But honor your commitment to not bugging her. Maybe TV is her hobby and that’s just fine.
Our worlds change as we change. If your mother isn’t expressing discontentment, you have to take her at her word. The last thing you want to do is undermine her autonomy by telling her how she feels. Your guilt may be more about the life that you want her to have, rather than the life she wants to have. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to what she’s telling you.
Dear Eric: I have two nephews who were recently married. My adult children were invited to the events, but my husband and I were not, nor did we receive a formal announcement. I have not sent a card or gift to my nephews. I am interested in accepted protocol for acknowledging an event when the couples don’t send even an announcement or explanation for invitation restrictions. I know I can do what I want but what do others do?
— Uninvited Dilemma
Dear Uninvited Dilemma: About a decade ago, Miss Manners wrote “a wedding invitation is not an invoice.” That’s fabulous guidance for both guests and celebrants to remember. It stands to reason, then, that the absence of an invitation is also not an invoice. You don’t have an obligation here.
It all depends on the relationship you have with your nephews. If you feel compelled to share your well-wishes, despite not getting an invite, I’m sure that would be welcome and could even help build a stronger relationship. However, it seems that you’re rightfully perplexed about why you didn’t make the cut. If you’re looking for an explanation, a gift is less likely to prompt one than a direct ask. You can do that. But I would just send a card and let it go.
Dear Eric: “Paul,” my brother-in-law, will be having major surgery in the next month or so. My husband and I plan to fly out to see him while he’s recovering. While I don’t mind visiting Paul in the hospital, I get extremely anxious whenever I’m invited to stay as a guest in another person’s home. I just know he’s going to be disappointed when he learns that we intend to stay at a nearby resort instead.
Paul also has indoor pets and I’ve never been comfortable around animals. If the subject of us staying with him should come up, how do I explain myself without seeming heartless? My husband and I think very highly of Paul and don’t want to hurt his feelings.
— Distressed Guest
Dear Guest: While Paul welcomes houseguests, hosting after major surgery is likely less than an ideal situation. So, unless you’re helping to provide post-op care, you can use that as an excuse. Even if you are providing care, it’s fine to say, “We don’t want to be under foot, we want to give you your privacy, and it will help us to have a space to recharge so we can be fully present.”
It’s also completely fine to say to someone “Your home is lovely; I feel very welcome. But I just feel more comfortable in a place with no animals.” It’s not heartless. It’s healthy communication about your needs. Good hosting is also about good listening.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
