Dear Eric: The president of my religious institution is, in my view, a fine leader and a rotten speaker.
I have participated in a number of meetings he has led and am driven crazy by the number of instances of “you know,” “kind of” and asking “right?” in the middle of a statement. His speech is riddled with these. In the most recent gathering, for example, he said that he will “kind of” pass the microphone to those who wish to speak. The declarative statement is being phased out.
Ironically, the gentleman is an elementary school principal. I think he would be shocked at the number of speech tics he utters if he carefully listened to a recording. Can I diplomatically tell him?
– Speech Debate
Dear Speech: Here’s the thing about constructive criticism: if the person on the receiving end hasn’t asked for it and/or isn’t open to it, it’s not going to achieve its goal. So, first ask if he’s open to feedback.
This kind of guidance, if welcome, can be quite useful. I like to lead with a compliment. Importantly, I let the compliment end in a full stop, rather than a semi-colon or comma. This way, the listener is able to hear the compliment as its own stand-alone idea, rather than just a gateway statement I’m using to get to what I really want to say.
Focusing on what you appreciate about his public speaking and leadership may also help to right-size the issues you have with the interjections. If he’s hard to listen to, for you, but you’re invested in the content and want to be able to hear it better, that can be a shared goal. Be respectful, succinct and remember that speech is personal and some habits are hard to break. So be patient and, if you can, “kind of” listen around the words.
Dear Eric: I was very friendly with a neighbor and asked if she and her husband would like to go out to dinner with us. She seemed enthusiastic and we set a date. Then she said they would be out of town, could we change the date. We did. The day before, she texted that she was too sick to go. I just responded “Sorry.”
Haven’t heard anything else. My question is: Should I contact her? My husband says I am being “mean.” Advise.
– Dinner Date
Dear Dinner: Mean? I’m not so sure. The “Sorry” may have come across as abrupt or churlish. And maybe you meant it that way. But it’s hard to read tone over text. You could have also simply been confirming the cancellation. I’d think it would be on your neighbor to reach out about rescheduling once she was feeling better.
However, if you’d still like to cultivate this relationship – and since you described it as “very friendly,” I suspect you might – I’d reach out again. Perhaps by telling her that you hope she’s feeling better, and you’d like to set another date, if she’s open to it. This gives her an out to decline if she is not interested, for whatever reason. If she cancels again, however, I’d leave it be.
Dear Eric: We were visiting my sister-in-law, which we’ve done quite a bit. We got home and a few days later I called her. She told me she believed our dog peed on the carpet right outside the bathroom door. She was looking in the bathroom mirror and noticed a small yellow spot.
She said she didn’t smell it or touch it to see if the carpet was wet but cleaned it up. Of course, I was mortified, and said “oh no, we won’t be staying with you anymore.”
She said he probably did it when I was down using that bathroom. By the way she is a clean freak, so to speak.
I am having a hard time getting past this, especially since she didn’t smell or touch it, the carpet is speckled brown. We have visited many times with our dog. Any input would help.
– Visiting Accident
Dear Visiting: Don’t banish yourself just yet. It doesn’t sound like your sister-in-law is holding this against you. Though she may be a clean freak, it also sounds like she’s taken care of the offending spot, pee or not, and so the state of cleanliness in her home has returned.
These things do happen from time to time with pets. If they didn’t the very large, and comprehensive line of carpet cleaning products with dogs on the label would be sunk.
You might call your sister-in-law back to check in and see if there was any additional cleaning that needed to happen. If so, you might also consider paying for it. But it sounds like it wasn’t a huge mess to begin with and now it’s just a memory.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
