Asking Eric: With no work to do, husband stops engaging in life

Dear Eric: I am a 75-year-old professional woman married to a great 74-year-old Ph.D. who works in Pharma and has no desire to retire. We have a very good marriage, but I am struggling with resentment and negativity due to hubby’s work situation. We both work from home. His workload has been nonexistent for three and a half months.

His boss keeps saying work is coming but it doesn’t. The company is not laying off anyone in his department. Hubby basically takes a walk in the morning and then comes home and naps for hours. Then he goes to the library to read the paper and then takes another nap. He will happily run any errands we need but will not spend time doing anything meaningful.

I have suggested volunteering, but he refuses. He has hobbies that he shows no interest in. He is in good health. We can’t travel because he needs to be near the computer and available in case the boss calls. It kills me that I am busy all day long and have to watch him nap fully clothed in bed. I know I can only change myself, but I am really very unhappy.

Help!

— Office Mate

Dear Office Mate: Sharing a work-from-home setup with one’s spouse can have its benefits — you tend to like your coworker, for instance. But it can turn sour when said coworker is napping around the office all day like he’s Garfield the cat.

A big difference between your husband and Garfield is that your husband wants to work (Garfield, famously a hater of Mondays, does not.) I suspect some of the malaise that’s fallen over him — the napping, the loss of interest in hobbies — reflects this unmet desire. While getting paid to do nothing might suit some, this shift is his workload could be bringing feelings of inadequacy, failure or even fear. He could be wondering if he’ll ever get to work again.

Many people express trepidation about transitioning to retired life — it’s a huge life shift that can knock you back on your heels even if you’re looking forward to it. It seems your husband is being shoved in that direction and so this transition is rocky. It could even be equally stressful to him to see you so busy when he’s decidedly not.

I know that it’s been a rough couple of months but consider that this is a relatively short amount of time in the span of a career. The napping won’t last forever, but your husband may need a helping hand out of this funk. See if you can talk with him directly about how he’s feeling. And, if possible, try working elsewhere for a day or two a week — a coffee shop, the library, a coworking space. This might give you both the space you need to navigate this period.

Dear Eric: I’ve been “friends” with a couple for more than 20 years. In retrospect our engagements always seem to be about partying. We attended both their sons’ weddings. Yet I still feel that they hold me at a distance.

The wife of the couple has no trouble telling me about a gathering she’s having to which we are not invited. Or how she’s having another person over for a holiday dinner (because they will be alone) without asking if my husband and I will also be alone for that day.

Recently, I initiated an invite to get together for happy hour when my sister was visiting from out of town. I got a reply that was somewhat hurtful. They couldn’t possibly meet for an hour or so during the seven days she would be here. My “friend” was hosting a 70th birthday party for her husband and they would be busy. Geez, way to tell me our friendship isn’t valuable enough to invite us to a milestone birthday for someone we’ve known for 25 years.

Years ago, I got disgusted and felt that I was the one who always initiated getting together, so I stopped calling. Two years went by without her contacting me. I eventually called and things went on as usual. Ironically when I explained why I “dropped off”, she didn’t really understand.